Its been more than a year now since ive drawn or done anything that was artsy in anyway... ive stuck to music... but only really just guitar and that even not so much anymore...

im going to try and draw more now... life is going good... i should start being sober again! My brothers 1 year is comming up... its going to be rough... 1 week from today will be his first year since he passed away...

rest in peace bro i miss you

this is a journal entry for my brother who passed away aug 4, 2007

i can remember when we used to play as children... you would leave me out in the cold... you were the one everyone liked... everyone wanted to be... you were smart, funny, artistic, musically talented, you had it all. Yet all i remember was how bad you were to me... thats why we never got along... in my head i just couldnt understand... i didnt know why you were so weird... as you grew up you didnt care about human interaction, human contact.. you dropped all your friends, and never thought twice.. you just did your own thing.. in solitude. So i hated you.. we never talked... never tried to work things out...

untill you got sick...

we only had 6 months together... 6 months to make up for 21 years... and out of those 6 months you were only conscious for 5... and in those 5 months you were in surgery and gone for a month so it was actually 4 months... and in those 4 months i didnt visit you as much as i should have.. maybe once a week and maybe 3 if it was a good week... and then you were gone... just like that...

i wish we talked more... i wish i told you i loved you... never once in my life did i ever tell you that and im sorry. Im sorry that i wasnt a good younger brother to you... im sorry i fought with you at every turn... im really sorry... i know i shouldnt feel guilty but i do... im wrecked with guilt... i owe you so much...

i realized it when i was writing your eulogy and maknig a collage for your funeral. I realized that you were a good brother. In all those pictures you were next to me... making me laugh or making sure i didnt get hurt... i remember when i almost drown... everyone just watched while you went to go get help... i owe you so much... and im sorry...

I was the bad one... the one who went out and made hell for mom and dad... im the one who did drugs and didnt study in school... im the one who didnt care...yet you were the one that had to go. Your the one who didnt make it... im sorry

at your funeral when you were about to be lowered into the ground... mom said, " in heaven find me, you MUST find me, ill be looking for you..." that goes the same for me... find me in heaven bro... i want to tell you taht i love you... i want to tell you that u were my greatest teacher... i want to tell you that i miss you.. and i dont kno what to do now that ur not here...

rest in peace bro... i love you and i already miss you... watch over me and take care of me like you always have.

haha im back at home and i love life... tooo busy being lazy to draw... but now im back in action... hopefully ill install my scanner to my comp and start drawing really soon... i already started 3 new projects... sooooooooo stay tuneeed

woot

i think im officially stupid...

sooooooo ive been on a dead streak with art... so i started playing my guitar more and writing music... taking a break and what not... so i meet this girl... and shes really pretty but im not interested in her... and she kinda likes me because ... ??#!@?!??

i dunno... but anyway... i was teaching at school.. and on my break i was practicing my songs to record it on my computer ... and my friend brings this girl .. and she loved the song... and yes it was a love song... and im guessing she started liking me more...

anyway to make a long story short... she summed up enough courage to tell her that she likes me... and i just stared at her... and then i said um... i got to go...

and so i left...

WOOOOOOOOW ...

and again tonight i just came back from the club... adn there were pretty girls EVERYWHERE and even though i cant speak russian... these girls here could speak english and i was talking to a few girls and they all seemed interested... but i straight up blew them off...

i think there is something wrong with me...

when i get home in 2 weeks ima go straight to the doctors and have myself checked...

ive lost all passion for everything now... and im pretty sure im not going to post anything for a while... not because i dont want to.. but because i think im not feeling inspiration anymore...(wow i sound emo... ima stop)

anyway on a brighter note... i sang for church last week with one of the other girl teachers... and it felt good. Like the church here blows... like they sing kareoke music in church with like retro 80's bullcrap... anyway me and this other teacher sang a songs and wow.. it felt good to sing good music again... i mean we practiced and everything and it felt really good. i think when i go home ima start another band for church... who knows... '

-end of bitch session-

okay... so i took a piece of paper out to start drawing as usual... and ever time my pencil touches the paper i draw the most unusual terrible horrifying piece of shit i have ever seen in my entire life.. and seriously... its not an exaggeration... i fucking blow chunks out my ass(sorry for the language & visual)

this has been going on for 2 weeks now and its seriously pissing me off... ive now gotten almost to the point where i am losing all passion for art... ugh...

FUCKING HAND DOESNT DO WHAT I WANT...

bleh..


on a lighter note... im going home earlier than expected... thats some good news i guess... =\